As I was scrolling through my Facebook Feed today I felt it was time to finally acknowledge the truth. I have been feeling this pull for a while now but hadn’t found the time or the words to address it, and honestly, I just wasn’t ready. I am now, because I know it will finally set me free of this incongruent feeling within me, a feeling that has been driving me pretty crazy. As it is said, the truth shall set you free, and free is all I ever want to be.
Going over the pictures and posts over the last few months, I saw my life and so many of the beautiful moments and beautiful thoughts that I’ve had and shared. All of these experiences with my friends, my family, myself, traveling and growing, that have all been very real and were very true moments of my life- but it has only been just a part of my life, only just a part of the recent truth.
We all know that what is portrayed on social media isn’t always as it seems, but I think we need the reminder sometimes, especially if we are in the habit of comparing. I think that it’s ok and even wonderful to use social media as a way to spread positivity, and of course no one wants to have their feed filled with nothing but drama or negativity, just don’t ever think that someone is truly sharing their entire life, good and bad with you on their Facebook account. Though I have kept my posts honest in what I was feeling in those moments, and truthful in my beliefs about life and it’s beauty, I also saw a lot missing from what I’ve been experiencing this last year-and it was somehow dishonoring.
The truth is, I have experienced some dark dark days over this last year. I have felt pain in ways that I have never felt before, and have been tending to a massive hole in my heart.
As I scrolled through photos of my trip to Peru for example, what you wouldn’t know is how often I shed tears on that trip. Was it an amazing trip, with amazing growth, and irreplaceable memories that left an imprint on my heart? Absolutely, %100, but %90 of that being the case is due to what I was dealing with inside while being on that trip and in those moments.
What you don’t know is how much I have been thrusting myself in and out of confusion and clarity, pain and healing, understanding and anger, and how exhausting it all has been on my determined soul. What you don’t know is how much I have been so focused, yet distracted with getting to the other side, that I have fallen more than short on my lifestyle commitments of doing A,B & C “no matter what,” and that I have judged myself so harshly because of it. That I haven’t felt able to really unleash my passion and focus of building and launching Mind Body Soulfit into all that I envision it to be because I have felt so unaligned with its very core message and purpose.
What is beautiful is that in this, I have realized that every bit of this current experience has been my biggest test. I have been tested more than ever, to stand entirely in what I believe in, to stand up for my message and be a true exemplification of it. No wonder I couldn’t promote and build my business, for it is completely centered around self-love and truth, and here I was, judging myself and feeling like I couldn’t be truthful with the fact that yes, even I, promotor of self kindness, fitness consistency and joyful living was having a very real human moment of dealing with some major challenges. I have been judging myself for not being perfect, for not handling the hardest thing in my life with more grace, for letting it deter me from my goals and distract me from my message and bring me back to dabbling in the miserable pool of self-doubt.
What I didn’t realize was that the very thing I didn’t want my ‘followers’ or anyone else watching my journey to see, was the very thing that calls forth the beautiful message of strength and truth that Mind Body Soulfit represents. I didn’t realize that I had been caught in the thinking that I needed to be perfect to teach others how to accept their imperfections, without ever realizing the massive contradiction. If anything, I have learned even more than I could have possibly ever bargained for with how to get back to your truth, how to live from your strength, how to maintain living from a place of love, acceptance and joy no matter- and I mean no matter what life throws at you. I have learned even more than before about connecting to your inner grit, to revealing and owning your value and self worth and ALWAYS remaining true to the real you.
So I confess and reveal, that without going into detail, this has been the hardest phase of my life yet. Have I laughed, shared beautiful moments, and made memories? Yes. Have I had to conquer my mind, face demons and pull myself out of pits every single day in the name of growing into freedom? Yes. Have I had to rediscover self-love in a completely new way than I had before? Oh yea. Have my truths and beliefs been challenged? Yes. Has it been painful? Absolutely. Has it been enlightening? Like you wouldn’t believe.
Is it all over? No. and that’s ok. It is life.
The way you live your life and work through your challenges is always relevant, and you are deciding every single day. What you must realize is that how you handle the day to day challenges is very telling of how you are going to handle the really big ones, just in a more magnified way. We are always growing and evolving and making choices whether we consciously think about it or not, but sometimes you get hit with something bigger than a spilled cup of coffee or an argument with your loved one…so just remember, that it is in those times that you reveal your truest nature. Remember that when the darkness is magnified and you are going through something bigger, that it is just a phase where you are being extra challenged.
The opportunity in it is to notice how you handle tough situations in your life, big and small and to recognize that it all completely alters your quality of life. If you can conquer in the space of magnified darkness, then you will be so much more powerful on the other side of it when it is no longer magnified and you are back to the day to day challenges.
The opportunity is to etiher face the challenge of changing the things you notice that you don’t like so much about how you handle things, or to face the challenge of holding on strong to your beliefs and convictions in spite of your experience.
The opportunity is to face the challenge of feeling the pain that sometimes comes with growth and only letting it free you, refusing to let it imprison you more.
I am becoming a master of my mind day by day, my purpose is becoming even clearer day by day. Though fear creeps up often still, and I battle the thoughts that bring me down, I use it to master my ability to quiet the voice that does not serve me and to empower my connection to truth, which always serves me. Take something from it all that you can bring with you moving forward, something that will empower you with any future challenges big or small. If you take nothing from a painful situation, it is all in vain and growth is left untouched.
Just because you are changing doesn’t always mean you are growing, choose to grow!
All of this has had me in the most bewildering paradox I have ever felt within. Here I have one side of me that has felt the most pain I’ve ever felt, mixed with fear, sadness, confusion, anger and grief, while this other side of me has never felt more trusting, accepting, understanding, clear, at peace and centered with a certain knowing.
Bottom line is: I have been gifted the opportunity to truly stand within my purpose and message, more than ever before. I always stood by it, but through this experience I have been challenged to never deter from it, and I am happy to report that I have risen to the occasion and it has only engrained my values and beliefs even stronger than ever before. I can choose to hone in on the very real pain and only feel loss or suffering, or I can choose to dig through the mud of it and reveal the beauty. I choose beauty- every single time, I choose joy- always, I choose love– no-matter-what, and that, that is a gift that I will always cherish, and that can never be taken.
You always have a choice… choose truth, choose growth, choose joy, choose Love. <3